EXTRA! EXTRA! (Some of you) Read All About It!

Here at the Moloch Valley Daily Beagle we’re journalists first and pawns of a corporate conglomerate second. We have integrity, I know because I’ve been selling it for months now. You can trust and believe what you see in The Beagle because we only omit the facts that don’t make the grade. Most of these inferior facts fall by the wayside because you, our reader, wouldn’t buy them. Not that you wouldn’t believe them, but because you wouldn’t pay for them, you cheapskates.

Around here kids, we have Facts For Sale. Facts you feel good about buying. Good facts. Wholesome facts. Facts that make Sarah Palin seem less a gun-toting trailer park nutjob and more, well…presidential. These are the facts you want and because you want them, we’ll sell ‘em to ya. Unless you live in Sectors D, H or G, in which case we could care less. Research shows you folks can’t afford the news. Get a better job and an intertube connection and we’ll sell you our Funline version. It’s like a paper only it isn’t really. Don’t worry, you’ll like it, you have no choice.

One thing I’ve noticed lately is some renegade websites popping up out there pretending to give you the “news,” sometimes hours and hours before we’re prepared to sell it to you. Be warned, these are not “Safe Facts.” They are obviously inferior facts because these “partysans” don’t charge you for them. It should be apparent these so called “reports” have no value because, dummy, they have no value! They’re free, fer cryin’ out loud. What kind of fact is that? I wouldn’t buy it. You shouldn’t either.

Another thing about these “partysans” — they’re fibbers. I’ve heard them fib. They think I’m stupid but I’m not. That’s a fib. They’re fibbers and they fib right out in the open. At least my fibbing is confined to my orifice, I mean, office. But these fibbers don’t like me so they make up fibs about me. They claim The Beagle isn’t as good today as it was in yesteryear. I say, Poppycock! Our margins are holding steady and we are a VERY attractive property for anybody out there in the market for a Beagle. Do you think it’s easy churning out digestible facts for our paying customers? Thank God (with a capital G) for our Funline version! We had over a trillion gazillion bo-billionty alien visitors to Moloch.com yesterday. Two or three were actually from Moloch…the rest were the result of paying spiders and gobots to land in The Valley of the Unconcerned. But don’t tell our common-taters, they might string you up. For some reason, all of our common-taters want to string you up, lock you up and throw away the key or save the taxpayers by shooting you dead. I fervently hope I don’t run into any of our common-taters…they’re pissed about something. But, at least they’re paid up through the end of the week! Bless their pointed little heads.

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