Crushed Dreams, Squashed Hopes and Photocopies Of Someone’s Ass

What we have here is another in a long list of rejected columns I was trying to pawn off on the local newspaper. Fortunately for the community, they have a keen eye and pretty good business sense at the management level. But, rather than leave these little ditties sitting in the “circular filing cabinet” I thought I could smudge the Ethernet with them. This one is about some recent doings at city hall.

Sex in the City


Perhaps you, or someone you know, have heard grumblings right here in River City about the nasty newspaper and its’ insistence on covering the pantless frolicking that was running rampant on the desks, stairwells and computer screens at city hall. I know I have, and I barely pay attention to what anyone says, let alone readers. But any time you hear tell of folks receiving photos of civic leaders’ naughty bits on their cell phone, my ears perk up (just my ears, well not only just my ears, I am human in a manner of sorts). Don’t yours? Ears, I mean.


Infidelity is usually something best kept between the participants, but if you’ve got video that’s another story. The fact that there were sexcapades taking place in our Community Rooms wild enough to make Caligula blush makes for what they sometimes call in the business, “news.” That’s the word that comes before “paper” used to describe the product we churn out over here at 1101 Twin View every day. You know, a “news-paper.”


Now, as far as I can tell, nobody at the paper sat around a big desk and thought to ask some city employees for some dirt (or better yet, Polaroids) on their co-workers. Nor did any newspaper personnel devise a plan to sneak a gallon or two of Viagra into the Assistant City Manager’s water cooler. Now, these newspaper people sometimes sit around a big desk and try to come up with ways to get their columns written by someone in Calcutta, but we’ll save that story for another day. No, these city employees came up with this whole scandal all by themselves. We (well, not me, some reporters) just happened to find out about it.


As a matter of fact, I think the newspaper has gone pretty easy on the participants-in-heat. I know that I did a very tasteful cartoon showing city hall with a sign advertising “hourly rates” out front. I understand I was publicly chastised by a city council person for “sinking so low.” I was offended by this civic leader’s attack because I believe I’m capable of going much, much lower. Shoot, I could make an earthworm doing the limbo feel like he’s gasping in the thin atmosphere of the Himalayas if I put my mind to it.


Be that as it may, I’m still amused when people complain of the “tabloid” journalism being practiced here at the ol’ R-S. Do you know how much restraint it requires on the part of the headline writers to keep the descriptions of these stories in the PG realm? Were it not for cooler heads and far more tactful editors I personally could have gotten us into the Penthouse Letters section faster than you can Email a photo of your tush to your accounts receivable clerk.


I wonder what these offended readers would have their newspaper report in such circumstances? I suppose the newspaper could have looked the other way, and judging by some of the unsightly cell-phone pics that may have been a better course to follow. I don’t think some of these people have ever seen the inside of a gym or considered electrolysis. But, they should. Hey, I know I’m no Adonis, but I ain’t sharing any “just stepped out of the shower” photos either. On the bright side, I guess the city’s “exercise in the workplace” program was working. Hopefully, helping keep people fit so we tax-payers are not burdened by any unnecessary medical bills. It may turn out to be a wash, though. Judging from some of the “office acrobatics” being practiced these days at the in the Community Room, now might be a good time to get that chiropractor’s license.

I just don’t think it’s the kind of license you can get at city hall. But it might be fun to just wait in line and watch for the coffee breaks. I hear it’s like the zoo’s monkey house in spring.

Who said there’s nothing fun to do in Redding? And, if you miss the show, rest assured you can read all about right here.





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