Social Onion…

“You can always find me in the kitchen at parties.” -Jona Lewie, Stiff Records recording artist

I am a social onion. I am not comfortable in situations that dictate appropriate behavior is expected. My personal interaction skills are weak. If it were not for alcohol, I would never attend any of these crucibles normal folk call “parties,” or worse, “get togethers.” Thank Bacchus for the demon rum.

Now, I don’t drink. I used to…a lot (I was very good at it, too good some would say.) But I like it when you are drinking because I know I become much funnier and more tolerable with every shot you take. It relaxes me when you laugh at my jokes and my diction becomes more professorial in relative comparison to your incoherent slurring. If you could just knock back a few fruity cocktails I will become a cross between John Gielgud and Noel Coward, with a little erudite Dick Cavett and Woody Allen thrown in. Right there on the spot.

Later in the evening, while you’re puking into the hostesses’ potted plants, I make my exit to a chorus of happy waves and good natured farewells. I get in my car and drive home before my fellow revelers hit the streets.

I may be a social onion, but I know enough to leave before you sober up. This same strategy has resulted in a penniless little gnome-like creature such as myself having successfully managed to marry, not once, but twice. I’ve procreated and live a happy, fulfilling life.

Thank God for the demon rum.

 

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