How To Masturbate

Greetings Blogophiles! Today’s entry is just a little experiment in “Effective Headline Writing”. This skill is one I will have to apply in my new position at work. From what I can tell, an effective headline makes a person (or any primate, for that matter) want to continue reading whatever is in the smaller type below it. I can do that.

I’m willing to bet that I will look on tomorrow’s Blog Stats and see a spike in today’s readership. What’s funny is you will want to read it although you probably already know how to masturbate. For those looking for a “How To Primer”, I sincerely apologize. I’m just practicing for my new job as opposed to “just practicing”. (If any of my editors are reading this, are you nervous yet? You should be, and no, I don’t know shit about proper comma placement.) In fact, if I had my way I wouldn’t use punctuation at all. Everything would look like an ee cummings poem and probably be just as annoying. But, the ability to write without fearing the Word Nazis out there would make up for it.

Now, back to my theory…I believe that if I can write the headlines, our circulation will bounce higher than my last paycheck. For example, a story about a local butcher being forced to evacuate his shop as fire approaches could read; Man Withdraws, His Meat Burning. Now, you’d want to read that, wouldn’t you? I know I do and I just made it up. But I amuse myself all the time (we have a masturbation theme running through this post, look, I’m not proud of it.)

I think you’ll find future issues of your local newspaper far more exciting than they are now. I’m doing what I can to lend a hand to my employer and my community. And I’m not yankin’ you, either.

“I’ve got blisters on me fingers!” -Ringo Starr (at the end of Yer Blues.)

Love & Smoochie-woochies,

 

Philbert The Red Handed

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One Comment on “How To Masturbate”

  1. Tom Shudders Says:

    Well I’ve mastered a few things in my life.I was not a “jack of all trades and master of none” In school I was a member of the debating team and was often reffered to as a “master-debater”.I loved to fish later in life and learned to bait a hook in such a way as to be irristable to the fish which of course led to the earned title of “master-bater”. As for Philbert The Red Handed’s headline usage of a similar word I’m at a loss as to what particular talent he is hoping to enlighten the reader.


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