Now, I Can Dish the REAL Dirt!!!

Hey Kids! I was just thinking about the perks of being “discharged” from the paper. Now, to me, being “discharged” just sounds gross. Most of my experiences with “discharges” required salves, ointments and large amounts of sulpha drugs. Come to think of it, maybe the term is applicable after all. At any rate, I’m now free to divulge the dirty little secrets I’ve kept mum about all these years…

Did you know that I worked with a reporter who was known to eat his own boogers? Chock full of nutrients, I guess. Nobody would sit in his chair because he used its underside as a ‘storage unit’. I used to buy him a bag of Cheetos once in a while because I loved the orange rings that would build-up around his nostrils. Gosh, I’m gonna miss him.

Did you know sometime Opinion page contributor, Iwana Burpe, developed her personal politics after a terrible aquarium accident that resulted in her suffering several hours of oxygen deprivation? She survived on small guppies and bloodworms until her head was pulled from the tank by Nuke Getrich. Now she does his bidding and has no will of her own (well, except for her George will). She still survives on guppies and bloodworms. On the plus side, now the only suffering being done is by her readers… provided, of course, they have an IQ that surpasses their shoe size. (Note: There is no minimum IQ requirement for the enjoyment of this blog, either. As a matter of fact, I swear to God, I just drooled on myself. Really!)

How about the employee who used to wear a dress to work? Freaky-deaky.

If you happen to stop by the R-S offices and you see an otherwise normal-looking fellow wearing a pink-freakin’-shirt. Please, do me a favor, point at him and laugh. I’m not there to do it anymore and it had become kind of a tradition. Don’t get me wrong, I got nothin’ against reporters in pink shirts, I just feel its my duty to point at them and laugh. Please do what you can to keep the dream alive. Thanks.

I also know the identity of the Refrigerator Bandit. Somebody had put some grapes in the break room’s fridge and this guy removed one from its stem every day, one-by-one, until they were all gone. The grapes’ owner apparently never noticed, having been the victim of a freak aquarium accident.

I happen to know that the entire newspaper’s computer network is powered by a Commodore 64 that is still used by the Techies for rousing Pong tournaments. They can’t wait to upgrade to Asteroids. That’s why you always get voicemail when you call IT. Sorry guys, I just had to get that off my chest. Having this insider’s knowledge is a heavy burden… sorta like the one in Redacted pants.

OK, that’s it for me and the R-S jokes. It’s out of my system and I can move on. But, I couldn’t go to my grave without sharing what I know. Oh, and don’t worry Ryan, our secret is safe…besides, it was Valentines’s Day and we were both drunk…just don’t let Iwana Burpe find out about it, she’ll spit up her guppies.

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7 Comments on “Now, I Can Dish the REAL Dirt!!!”

  1. czygyny Says:

    Psst, I know who used to turn the lights out in the men’s restroom. Apparently there are no other lights over the mirrors, like in the women’s bathroom (to keep us lovely ladies primped and beautiful) so if someone was to reach in and hit the switch by the door, the dudes would be in the dark, making it difficult to evacuate in more ways than one.
    I can be bribed to reveal the perpetrator… 😉


  2. OK, you owe me a new pair of shoes.

  3. czygyny Says:

    Moi?

    You don’t think it was ME do you?

    I mean, hey just because I know you can flick off the switch as the door slowly closes after one of you guys go in, and be back at your seat before they can grope their way to the door again, doesn’t mean I would do such a dastardly deed. Indeed!

    Why, I never…

  4. Hal Johnson Says:

    Well damn, Phil. Does that paper have a soul anymore?

    I’ll miss seeing your work in the RS. I have a feeling that better things await you, though. I mean, heck, I love your cartoon work, I think you’re one heckava talented writer, and you’re one seriously twisted dude. You can’t miss!

  5. Mrs. Beans Says:

    I have always been told that it’s always good to look on the bright side of life, and although difficult at times, I am truly excited about one thing…I can now enter all the sweepstakes on HGTV.

  6. Tom Shudders Says:

    How crude.The guy kept his boogers under his chair?Some people seem to have no sense of propriety.I for one keep my boogers stacked very neatly next to the mouse.Which reminds me the mouse pad is a little crowded at the moment.Ecuse me while I remedy this over crowding.

  7. Tom Shudders Says:

    Oh!Oh! The X and the C are close together so excuse me!My left index finger seems a little slippery at the moment causing a small malfunction.


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