Archive for October 2008

So much for loyalty

October 25, 2008

OK, so I canned him. Why does he have to go and try and make a monkey out of me? The hairy little nit picker with toilet training issues has started his own blog, Mr. Jinks, The Typewriting Chimp.

Loyalty? Not from the lower primates. Not yet.

I Married A Radical

October 23, 2008

I get a lot of crackpots writing in to Philbertosophy, none pottier than my nearly beloved. She saw another McCain/Palin ad. She had seen quite a few and just simmered and muttered under her breath (like a lot of us) but this time Mac & Lucy Ricardo’s retarded cousin made her head explode. I’ll go get a mop, but you can read her rant…

That’s it.  I’ve had it.  I just finished watching one of those video-clips on the internet in which Mrs. Palin and her side-kick, Senator McCain, were asked to define domestic terrorism — in essence, what makes the Weathermen terrorist and abortion bombers heroes.  (more…)

It’s just this little chromium switch here…

October 21, 2008

As you know, I’m a Firehead. I’ve been a fan since the AM-radio days when they broadcast Radio Free Oz from L.A.’s Magic Mushroom. So, to say I was thrilled to see the fanzine, “It’s Just This Little Chromium Switch Here” resuscitated and living “on the intertube” would be an understatement. To find out they’re willing to publish some Firesign Theatre-related cartoons from yours truly was an even bigger gas! Check ’em out! Pockmark ’em and come back often (my cartoon should posted there soon).

Paid Advertisement, This Blog Is Such A Whore

October 17, 2008

OK. I pump out a lotta crapola, most of it not fit for “appropriate” websites. Well, that just means its gotta be good for Philbertosophy, right?

A community activist group here in town said they’d back my campaign for city council if I gave them ad space on my blog…I figure ‘squid go pro’ is the grease that butters the wheels of commerce (which may explain why commerce is on such a slippery road right now).

Speaking of slippery, don’t forget to write me in on your ballot for Redding City Council. After all, how much weirder could it get?

NOTE TO NON-REDDINGITES: This joke may look odd to you unless you were familiar with the long-standing “problem” of people crossing Highway 273 (South Market Street) to obtain services (food and shelter) from the Good News Resue Mission. A common complaint is that “they” make driving south inconvenient. This was a typically shoddy attempt to satirize that mindset. Thank you for your patronage.

Economic Crises Hits Home

October 10, 2008

 

How Does A Local Blogger Stand Such Times and Live?

 

As our country spirals down the economic porcelain bowl and we face the most devastating financial crises since The Great Depression, I’m left to wonder how I’ll be able to maintain my blog.

 

Unlike many bloggers you may be familiar with, I strive to bring you only the highest grade online reading experience money can buy. Now, without money, it looks like I’ll have to cut back on the quality you’ve become accustomed to. We’re going to have to make some concessions to these New Hard Times. I’m afraid I’m going to be forced to can my writing staff… yes, Mr. Jinks will have to go.

Sorry to burst your bubble but you don’t think one guy with an IQ that barely exceeds his shoe size could come up with all the hilarious wordplay you see on my blog do you? No way, Ho-say. I’ve been churning out this stuff with the help of an assistant, Mr. Jinks, The Typewriting Chimp.

 

I know you’ve all heard the theory that if you give a roomful of monkeys a few Smith-Coronas eventually they will string together “Hamlet.” Well, I didn’t want to write “Hamlet,” I just wanted to maintain a blog, so I hired just one monkey. I armed him not with a typewriter, but with a Windows 98 version of Microsoft Office. You’ve been reading the results over on Food for Thought: A News Café.

 

Pretty good stuff, huh?

 

Well, I’m afraid the laughs are over. Without enough simoleans to pay the simian I’m afraid I’m going to have to take over sole responsibility for writing this column. Boy, does that ever suck for you, the blog reader.

 

Mr. Jinks, meanwhile, will have to head back to the Head Writer job he held at The Asbestos Playhouse down south in Tapioca Park, California. That’s where I found him, toiling away writing cheap, dinner theater yucks for Salmonella Valley house fraus with delusions of Broadway grandeur. He had just gotten fired for getting drunk and hurling his own feces toward the stage and hitting the wife of a wealthy cowboy — who happened to own a used car dealership, and the adjacent theater. She was playing Trixie, in a particularly histrionic fashion, in the musical adaptation of Orpheus he had written — and he got her right in the kisser. I admired his writing, and his aim, and we struck a deal while sitting on our stools (before we flung them) in the Guadalcanal Room at the King Fester Hotel on the old Blistering Highway near Barstow.

 

But, it’s a deal done gone bad…no money, no funny. I’m on my own now and so is Mr. Jinks. Right about this time he’s got that hairy opposable thumb stuck out into the slow lane, hitchin’ a ride back to where the primate suits his clothes, with that funny, bow-legged stance and a big load in his pants.

 

My goodness, the above passage (and this one too) was a very poorly constructed bit o’ prose, wasn’t it? A real Stinkaroonie.

 

I miss Jinks already. I’ll bet you do too.

Harry’s REALLY pissed at the R-S!

October 3, 2008

I gotta share what’s goin’ on over at Harry Ames, Jr.’s blog! Who is this guy?!?