Dear Red States

I just had to share this bit from  PLANET PROCTOR, Phil Proctor’s hilarious (and very wise) web site. I know it’ll tick off my friends Tom and Don (hey, I still love you guys), but it’s too rich to not share…


We’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes California, Hawaii,Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the Northeast. It may even include Florida and Ohio… Since we’re dropping the middle states we’re calling it “United America,” or simply “the U.A.”

To sum up: You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. You can take Ted Nugent; we’re keeping Bruce Springsteen and Billy Joel.

You get WorldCom. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get Ole’ Miss. We get Harvard and 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share…

We will have firm control of 80% of the country’s fresh water, more than 90% of the pineapple and lettuce, 95% of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 % of America’s quality wines, 90% of all cheese and the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88% of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92% of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100% of the tornadoes, 90% of the hurricanes, 99% of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100% of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia. We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.

Additionally, 38% of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62% believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44% say that evolution is only a theory, 53% that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61% of you crazy Reddies believe you are people with higher morals than we Bluies..

Oh – and we’re taking the good pot, too. You can have that sh*t they grow in Mexico. Peace out!

“A waiter approaches: ‘Can I interest you in the chicken, or would you prefer the platter of shit with bits of broken glass in it?’ To be undecided in this election is to ask how the chicken is cooked.”  -David Sedaris

Come on, you gotta love it! Thanks Mr. Proctor!







Explore posts in the same categories: Thoughts & Musings

4 Comments on “Dear Red States”

  1. Tom Shudders Says:

    I hope this election brings you happyness and joy because all that weeping, wailing and knashing of teeth Wed. morning is hard to take.

  2. Tom Shudders Says:

    I guess that is spelled gnashing. I once owned a Gnash.It was a great car.Those were my ramblin days. I voted Democratic in those days It was long ago and far away when things were much better than they are today. I must credit Meatloaf for that line.Or maybe it was the tomato sauce.Whatever it kept me up most of the night.

  3. Tom Shudders Says:

    I am a little surprised at you Phil. That type of mean spiritedness thinly disguised as humor should be beneath you. Sad to say I guess I was wrong. Doni’s blog has had a bad influence on you. You are now aligned with th Blue Crazies.

  4. Like I said, Tom, if I have to agree with the McCains, Palins and Bushies in order to keep readers…bye bye readers. I don’t think there was anything mean-spirited about these (or Kelly’s) comments. You read what you want to read. Here’s what I think is “mean-spirited”:

    Waging a war based on lies.
    Profiting from a war.
    Ignoring global environmental issues to protect profits.
    Allowing greed to overtake our economy without restraint, and thus crippling it.
    Failing in every conceivable way to “protect and defend the Constitution.”
    Suspending basic civil rights and American ideals in the name of “security.”

    You seem capable of defending these policies while going on about “Blue Crazies.” You’ve had 8 years of “Red-Minded” leadership and you refuse to admit it was a complete and utter failure. I can’t share your willingness to trample on OUR rights in the name of, what? Money? Oil? God? Guns? Gays? What? I don’t see any of the so-call “loony left” circumscribing YOUR rights? It seems to only be conservatives saying we need laws AGAINST things.

    So, I’d like to think we could remain friends but the cost of your friendship is too high.

    Good luck to you. The laughs here will continue.

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